Fiend of good

[Tomcat]

We were all taught in childhood: to be kind is good, and evil is bad. We have grown up, and now we are in a hurry to do good. But is it always necessary for those for whom we do it?

Land of the Soviets

The easiest option for unnecessary kindness is good advice. They are tolerant when they appear in women's weekly magazines in the section between fashion and horoscope. In the end, no one will check whether you did as you were told or not. According to personal observations, conscientious persons are mostly women. It is worth starting to communicate with any of us, and in the first five minutes of communication, they will explain to you step by step how to proceed. Even in topics in which she does not understand anything, a woman will get out, but say: "My husband had a similar situation ... and he did this ...".

Why it happens

Advice is a “cheap” way to do good. It is not associated with either time, material or even emotional costs. Plus, helpers feel more experienced and smarter.

Recommendation

Advice, even with the best intentions, is annoying. Therefore, periodically step on the throat of your song and do not say at least half of what you want. Try to avoid an edifying, patronizing attitude. Provide more information than direct advice.

To a strange monastery

If the advice can somehow be tolerated without following it, then the matter becomes more complicated when the person tries to provide you with a service that you are not asking for. For example, one daughter-in-law, with the best of intentions, single-handedly made the apartment “more comfortable and modern,” and as a result, the mother-in-law, who had a hard time getting used to the new order, suffered an attack of hypertension.

And you yourself probably provided services that you were not asked for? Each of us, at least sometimes, was in a situation when we expected enthusiasm, and in response received: “Did you ask us something?”; “Thank you, don't ...” or irritated “Again you are with your help!”. Here the well-wisher is sincerely indignant: how is it that his gesture was not accepted?

Why it happens

You wanted to help from a pure heart, or perhaps in this way you wanted to point out the shortcomings. In any case, you have invaded your personal space, in which a person wants to make decisions for himself and be responsible for them.

Recommendation

When doing something for someone else, especially without asking the person in advance, be prepared that your help will be inappropriate. Better just to inform: “I can do this and that, and I'm ready to help if you want. Think and, if anything, contact. "

"The river got infected with laziness ..."

Another unpleasant option for kindness and care is overprotection. You can cite as many as you like: a mother collects a portfolio for a 3rd grade student, “does not bother” her adult daughter with housework (“she's tired!”), The contacts of a loved one are clearly traced (“if nothing happened ”). Overprotectiveness can even manifest itself in a boss-subordinate relationship, when the boss is so afraid that the workers will cope on their own that he prefers to do almost everything for them. This behavior is especially bad for children: they do not learn to make decisions and take responsibility for consequences. "Mama's son" can plunge into any dirt - his mother will get him out of there, wash him and caress him. But the important skill not to get into the mud is not formed.

Why it happens

The overprotective person is always the role of the Parent, and the partner, whoever he may be, is assigned the role of an unreasonable Child. This solves the internal complexes of the Parent, mainly the fear of loneliness, the fear of being unnecessary. Therefore, the Parent wins the areas of responsibility from the Child, takes them upon himself and thus "ties" the Child. A powerful addiction is forming. A parent can say, even with bitterness: "He can't do anything without me!" But this does not mean that he wants to solve the problem. On the contrary, all his behavior shows that overprotection will continue. Of course, this is bad for a Child of any age and social status. The easiest way to break such a relationship is for subordinates - not wanting to be an unreasonable Child, they can simply quit. In the family,

Recommendation

Track the manifestations of overprotection in yourself and do not allow them, respecting the "zone of independence", even if we are talking about a 3-year-old child. If the role of the Child is intended for you, try to dot the i at once. At first, overprotection may even be pleasant, but she is like a swamp - sucks in laziness, ineptitude and irresponsibility.

"You never dreamed of"

Remember this famous movie? There, the mother of a teenager Roman "saved" him from the "vicious" Katya and her family. Her intentions are the "purest": to save her own family from destruction, to protect her son from unworthy, in her opinion, communication. But the means of achieving this are terrible: a chain of deceptions, pressure on the son and husband. Everything ends well in the film, but in the first draft of the book, Roman dies. An impressive example, when a woman “knows what is best” and acts according to her own understanding, suppressing the attempts of relatives to express that it is “better” for them only “worse”.

Do not tell your husband that he was called by a friend who does not really like his wife; buy theater tickets for the date when the wife has a meeting of classmates; plan a family tour, knowing that a teenage son dreams of celebrating the New Year in the company of friends with his beloved girl who does not like his mother ... Women of the older generation are a separate conversation. How many families could have survived if mothers kept their opinion to themselves (“you know, he (a) is not suitable for you… well, it's not difficult to get a divorce now…”). Such conversations, if conducted systematically, undermine even the most persistent. But mothers do not give up: Nothing, she will survive. Finds even better. Kind women.

Another frequent leitmotif: I did everything for you, gave you my best years, and you…. Men also suffer from this: I bought something for you, took you to restaurants, took you to rest…. Or we raised you, did not sleep at night…. A person who hears this about himself wants to ask the question: Did I ask for this or did you do it on your own ?. Why do they then present the invoice? People again act on the basis of their understanding of the benefits for another person, violating his boundaries and interests. No wonder any child, having turned into an adult, can say: For this and this I am grateful to my parents, but this and this it would be better if they did not.

Why it happens

Such an overwhelming position is an attempt to establish control in the life of another person, to bind him in the end with a sense of guilt (Ungrateful, how could you, after everything I did for you!). This helps the kind-hearted man to cope with fears, as if he has an indulgence - he will stay there if you do a lot of good for him. Outwardly - a lot of good deeds and cares. Internally, deeply selfish motives. Everything comes to the surface at a critical moment when a person says: Thank you, but then I want to make decisions myself. This is a difficult time for the benevolent person, because the binding method did not work. That is why further lies, forgery, intrigues are used as actions for the good in order to preserve affection and relationships, to return them.

Recommendation

Do not use prohibited techniques. When the truth is revealed, the relationship always breaks down, and talking about it being for the best doesn't help. Be open, even when it comes to young children.

So ...

In a hurry to the rescue, try to understand your own motives. They are usually not altruistic at all. Often we expect praise and reciprocal service in return, we seem wise and generous to ourselves, we get the right to say: I am a good friend, I am a wonderful mother. Try to calmly accept rejection or criticism if your help is unnecessary. Worse, if the person, accepting your help only out of politeness, then regrets. It can actually harm a relationship by creating unnecessary tension in it. Who will then believe that it all began with a gesture of goodwill?

Expert opinion

Daniil Khlomov, psychologist, candidate of psychological sciences, president of the Society of Practicing Psychologists Gestalt approach, program director of the Moscow Gestalt Institute:

Do not rush to do good

A very important topic about supposedly good behavior, which results in spoiled relationships, troubles, and, if there is a lot of zeal, sometimes broken lives. In the work of a practicing psychologist, psychotherapist, I often have to deal with the results of doing good. I recall the story of a motorcyclist who, in cold weather, put on a quilted jacket backwards to make it warmer. When he fell off his motorcycle, good fellow citizens straightened his head to death. In gestalt therapy, abstract goodness does not exist: everyone has their own good and must be recognized by themselves, and not rely on the advice of others, even if they are authoritative, respected or loved people. It is not so easy, but the work of determining what is good and what is evil still needs to be done all the time: even in religion.