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You drive slowly down the street looking for the desired house number. The car behind you begins to honk frantically. What is your reaction? If a colleague cancels an appointment at the last moment, many feel hurt, hurt. You too? Then these tips will be helpful to you.
Imagine a situation: you called your friend to the movies, but she refused, citing workload. The next day, you go to social networks and see that the previous evening she was having dinner with friends.
Or, for example, you worked long and hard on a project and are quite happy with the result, but you only hear criticism in your address. Arriving home, you begin to tell your partner about what happened, when you suddenly notice that he is buried in the phone or flicking the remote control from the TV. Well, how not to get upset - you have been hurt, betrayed, you were neglected ...
In such situations, we experience a whole gamut of negative feelings and blame the other person for it - he was the one who made us feel this way. According to coach Frederic Imbo, at the same time, the ego speaks in us - it does not like it when we are criticized, it is sure that others should always take us into account and appreciate. And when our ego behaves like this, it gets tired.
It would be much easier to stop taking everything personally. So we would cease to be emotionally dependent on others, found harmony with ourselves and with others, and could move forward without being irritated or upset in vain. But how can this be achieved? The coach offers two proven methods.
? Method one: understand that it's not about you
When the interlocutor looks at the phone, we perceive it as a personal insult - we need attention and respect. But what if you look at the situation through the eyes of the other side? Why is this person looking at the phone? Perhaps he received an important message that he had been waiting for for so long, or maybe he opens his notes to clarify something with us.
By shifting the focus from "I" to "we", you can calm down, be filled with interest and understanding instead of irritation. After all, how do you feel when the little kid you are trying to take away from the playground throws himself on the ground and yells, “I hate you!”? Do you take this personally? Hardly - you understand that, having not received what he wants, he simply expresses his emotions as best he can, which means that it is not about you.
In short, you should always try to clarify the intentions of the interlocutor. This is easier said than done, of course. Let's say you see how colleagues, looking at you, begin to giggle. What is your first reaction? Most likely: "They gossip about me!" or "They're definitely laughing at me!" It will take an effort to stop myself and say: calmly, in fact I have no idea what they are talking about and what they are thinking; most likely, it has nothing to do with me.
Learning how to react like this on a machine takes hard work. But what if no effort helps and it really is in you?
? Method two: show empathy for yourself or give yourself the opportunity to speak
Let's go back to the example with the driver, who began to honk you angrily. Perhaps his anger is justified: you were driving too slowly, and he was in a hurry. When you realize that what happened is your fault, you can experience guilt and shame. Try to show empathy for yourself and acknowledge your feelings: confusion, shame, sadness. Admit it to yourself that being wrong is very unpleasant.
It is sometimes helpful to speak up. For example, if a friend sticks to the phone, you might say, “I’m sharing something very important with you, and when you don’t look up at me, I get the impression that you don’t care.” It is important to talk about your feelings without blaming the other person.
If you show your vulnerability rather than being hurt, you are more likely to be heard and continue to take your feelings seriously. Try these two strategies over the next few days or even weeks and track your results.
Imagine a situation: you called your friend to the movies, but she refused, citing workload. The next day, you go to social networks and see that the previous evening she was having dinner with friends.
Or, for example, you worked long and hard on a project and are quite happy with the result, but you only hear criticism in your address. Arriving home, you begin to tell your partner about what happened, when you suddenly notice that he is buried in the phone or flicking the remote control from the TV. Well, how not to get upset - you have been hurt, betrayed, you were neglected ...
In such situations, we experience a whole gamut of negative feelings and blame the other person for it - he was the one who made us feel this way. According to coach Frederic Imbo, at the same time, the ego speaks in us - it does not like it when we are criticized, it is sure that others should always take us into account and appreciate. And when our ego behaves like this, it gets tired.
It would be much easier to stop taking everything personally. So we would cease to be emotionally dependent on others, found harmony with ourselves and with others, and could move forward without being irritated or upset in vain. But how can this be achieved? The coach offers two proven methods.
? Method one: understand that it's not about you
When the interlocutor looks at the phone, we perceive it as a personal insult - we need attention and respect. But what if you look at the situation through the eyes of the other side? Why is this person looking at the phone? Perhaps he received an important message that he had been waiting for for so long, or maybe he opens his notes to clarify something with us.
By shifting the focus from "I" to "we", you can calm down, be filled with interest and understanding instead of irritation. After all, how do you feel when the little kid you are trying to take away from the playground throws himself on the ground and yells, “I hate you!”? Do you take this personally? Hardly - you understand that, having not received what he wants, he simply expresses his emotions as best he can, which means that it is not about you.
In short, you should always try to clarify the intentions of the interlocutor. This is easier said than done, of course. Let's say you see how colleagues, looking at you, begin to giggle. What is your first reaction? Most likely: "They gossip about me!" or "They're definitely laughing at me!" It will take an effort to stop myself and say: calmly, in fact I have no idea what they are talking about and what they are thinking; most likely, it has nothing to do with me.
Learning how to react like this on a machine takes hard work. But what if no effort helps and it really is in you?
? Method two: show empathy for yourself or give yourself the opportunity to speak
Let's go back to the example with the driver, who began to honk you angrily. Perhaps his anger is justified: you were driving too slowly, and he was in a hurry. When you realize that what happened is your fault, you can experience guilt and shame. Try to show empathy for yourself and acknowledge your feelings: confusion, shame, sadness. Admit it to yourself that being wrong is very unpleasant.
It is sometimes helpful to speak up. For example, if a friend sticks to the phone, you might say, “I’m sharing something very important with you, and when you don’t look up at me, I get the impression that you don’t care.” It is important to talk about your feelings without blaming the other person.
If you show your vulnerability rather than being hurt, you are more likely to be heard and continue to take your feelings seriously. Try these two strategies over the next few days or even weeks and track your results.
